12-14-11 Year One

So today..............

Today is the one year anniversary of Ella's passing.  It's a heart wrenching day really.  I am trying to be positive instead of laying in bed all day crying.  It was tempting though.  I even had a plan for today.  I was going to call in sick at work, lay in my bed with my special Ella box and my laptop, and I was going to cry.  I was going to look through all her lovely things..... all my keepsakes.....all my memories the good and the bad.....check if I can still smell her on her blankets.....admire her beautiful dresses....look at the millions of pictures...... play with her toys......listen to her music.......watch videos of her of us.  Yeah........ that was the game plan.  Yesterday I decided I couldn't do it.  I won't..........it's hard not too, but I need to celebrate her first year in heaven not cry about it.  Celebrate that she is no longer in pain, that she can breathe, she can eat, she can move, she isn't hooked up to machines, she doesn't have tubes and needles in her, and most importantly she isn't suffering anymore.

I go back - back to that day and the moments surrounding it.  She was suffering and it just felt horrible and I felt helpless.  I wanted to trade places with her and I couldn't.  I have spent several moments this past year feeling very confident that the best thing was done for Ella - the best I knew to give her.  I have also spent moments scared, scared I did the wrong thing for her.  Scared that wasn't what she wanted.  She couldn't tell me.  Every decision I made during her 14 months was the best I knew to make.  Everything I did was in good intentions for everyone involved.  I always thought of my needs and wants last..........ALWAYS.  Despite what I have heard or been told by others (which I have also learned that people are assholes).  I spent this first year reflecting a lot about everything that happened.  I always feel comforted by knowing I was really always trying to do the right things.  But really what is the right things when you are in that situation?  I wish there would of been a book of answers for me.

I have never told anyone this, but shortly before she passed I was holding Ella and she was very sick.  I told her, "Ella, if you want or can't do this anymore Mommy understands and still loves you and will always love you forever."  Right after I said that.........she stopped breathing and coded.  Of course they took her from my arms and revived her - like I seen happen a million times, but that time it felt different and after that I knew.......I knew she wasn't going to live.  I felt like she was telling me something - like she heard me. It was different than the 100's of times I called Raymond hysterically bawling telling him this is it and that she was really going to die this time.  I wasn't hysterical and desperate for a miracle.  I was so sad I was almost calm - I knew what was happening.  I knew it was going to be the most devastating thing that would ever happen to me and I knew it was out of everyones hands and in God's now.  There was only one thing Raymond and I could do for her.  Something we never wanted it to come too.

I would give anything to rock her one more night in our rocking chair.  Just her and I while she sleeps on my chest.  Ella smelt like vanilla oatmeal baby soap and clean laundry :)  When she would sleep I would look down at her shut eyes and admire her mile long eyelashes.  She was a beautiful little girl even though she was so sick and never felt very good. Ella was still so pretty.

Raymond and I decided it was time for Ella to start living - and sadly that couldn't be with us any more.  Ella wasn't living here though she was just existing. 

I believe now she is living.  That is all I ever wanted for her.  So lets celebrate that!