The Grinch

I debated on doing a post about this, but since it's my blog and I can do what I want I decided I would.

So I am just going to say it.  I can't stand Christmas.  I know..... how terrible and you are thinking, "I can't believe she is publicly announcing it.  Keep it to yourself lady."   It's true though.... I hate it.  I try to be a very positive happy upbeat lady, but sometimes I just don't really feel like it. 

Why I can't stand Christmas you might ask? 

Well Christmas has so much character.  It is such a symbolic month compared to the others.  There are so many things, smells, songs, etc. that are well........ Christmas.  I can't think of any other month quite like it.

Do you ever smell something or see something or hear something that REMINDS you of something?  Of course you do.  I can think of a lot of things that remind me of a time in my life happy or unhappy.  With that being said........everything Christmas reminds me of Ella.  In fact, October 28th (when Robert passed) to January 1st is kind of a depressing time for me.  Because who can be sad about New Year's when everyone gets to start over?  The first Christmas in 2009 when the kids were still in the NICU Ella was very sick and of course the year after that Ella became a Princess Angel. 

So the music, the smells, the food, the decorations, the presents, the TV shows, the lights it all reminds me of a very sad time.   A very sad one.  Sometimes to the point that it feels like all those awful things are happening again right now.  It is so ugly to feel depressed and just wish something away so you can be happy and not think about it in depth anymore.  It's almost like an unwanted visitor coming to see me and torture me......"Oh great Christmas is here again put on your happy face and be normal."  I have to for the kids - I don't want to ruin it for them.  I do not want them to be adults and say, "Christmas wasn't a fun time at our house because our Mom was such a downer about it.  Our Mom crushed our Christmas spirit just because she was miserable!"  How selfish would that make me?  I didn't even put my tree up this year, decorate my house, or decorate my office!

  This is still fresh and new.  I think in time my attitude will change.  I really think it will, but for now I am Jenn the Grinch and that is just the way it is going to be this year and maybe a few more to come.  Until I decide to quit feeling sorry for myself and being selfish.


Merry Christmas Everyone!  (That's a good start right?)