I have been neglecting my blog because quite frankly I don't even know what to say and I am not sure what I am ready to discuss. It's all so painful, horrible, and new.
After she passed I remember feeling a feeling I have never experienced in my entire life. I felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and was smothering me...... I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe this was happening. She was with Raymond and I in our arms when she took her last breath. An image that I will carry with me forever.
The next days were a blur because everything was happening so fast. Family came, planning, the service, etc. Then everyone left and things resumed to "normal". She's already been gone a week today and right now I am going through the normal "coping" phases I guess you can say. Some days are worse than others, but I think it's so new that the worst has yet to come. I feel so angry, why would this happen? Only God knows and maybe someday I will understand this experience.
I go on living each day knowing my time on earth is temporary, and one day I will be reunited with Ella and Robert. It will be forever next time we are together.
I have been spending the past 2 days thinking of when I found out about baby Ella. I remember the moments like it was yesterday as it was one of the happiest moments in my life...........August 21st, 2009. When they first discovered the triplets, they thought we were having 3 boys. When I went in for my second ultrasound the tech said Baby B was a girl. I felt so much joy and excitement in my heart, not that I wasn't in love with the boys, but I was so excited for our girl. Raymond was excited as well. It made the whole triplet baby pregnancy feel complete! She was always the smallest my entire too of short pregnancy, but we used to always love to measure her legs, because the tech told us she had such long legs! Poor Ella was smashed in between Robert and Joe and her long legged self was always cramped up. I hardly felt her kick because I think she couldn't move! In almost all my ultrasound pictures Ella's legs were up above her head. Well we were naming the babies ( I gave Raymond this important job and completely trusted he would do a great job and he did!) I mentioned the name Ella early on in the pregnancy before we even knew of the 3. Raymond wasn't so hip on it when I mentioned it. I didn't want to micromanage the naming situation, but deep down I always wanted a daughter named Ella. I didn't really mention it again and when we were getting serious about names Raymond said he wanted to name her Ella. I wasn't sure why he had a change of heart (I think Mom Judy and Norrita had a great influence on him), but I didn't care. I was so excited to get my little girl named Ella!
I have her forever even if she isn't here right now...........my girl my girl named Ella that I always wanted so bad. I think she is the most amazing person I've ever known and will ever know.
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| One of my most favorite pictures taken by Auntie Bonnie and Auntie Jacie |
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